Navigating Pregnancy After Loss

While we were at the hospital facing our worst nightmare, in the middle of my induction to give birth to Blake with the biggest heartbreak, my doctor walked in. After he shared sentiments and the rare statistics surrounding stillbirths, He asked Kyle and I… “Do you have any questions?”

Kyle and I looked at each other… We had so many. My head was spinning but it’s like we both knew what we really wanted to ask… Kyle went ahead, with gentleness and equal disbelief these words were coming out of his mouth and terrified of the answer, “When can we try again?”

I felt my face lighting up, shamefully with a profound heaviness wondering the same thing.

We were both thinking the same thing

“You’d be surprised that this is the first question a lot of couples ask and it’s okay,” the Doctor said. He went on to say that in my case of what seemed to be a very healthy pregnancy, they most likely will not find the cause… and if my labor goes well vaginally, I should be able to consider conceiving again in three to six months but recommending to be healing our grief. 

I guess you could say, In the face of a tragic moment like this, it was a relief.

Healing our grief was a no brainer. Kyle and I have been obsessed with psychology, brain development, healing, self discovery. We were blessed to have some of the best therapists and wisdom geniuses on dial.

Coping with Insurmountable Grief

The only reason we had a “team” of wise guys is because sadly, grief wasn’t our first rodeo. Life challenges had come and go. I was destroyed, though I would still show up for my therapy session the next day. I aimed to treat myself as thought I was a patient in rehab who couldn’t afford to relapse in darkness. I didn’t have time to drown. I didn’t have the energy to suffer any greater ways that I was already feeling split open. I had my son at home. My other one waiting to be cremated and some unbelievable trauma to sort through.

I knew exactly how this was going to go, almost in a blazé manner, my obnoxious self turning into a grief professional was able to visualize the fucking horrendous road I had in front me. For the first time in grief though, I also had the concept of “trying again”.

Could it actually be a blessing? A complete mind fuck? Either way, we wanted our baby.

The concept of trying again comes with a territory, just as much as this complex backwards grief comes into play. Trying again does not replace a baby. Blake is indefinitely irreplaceable and THAT hurts. Oh my God, does it hurt. It hurts to breathe at the thought of it. 

So here we were, healing and eventually, I allowed myself to look a little more, tip toeing around the idea of getting pregnant again. I’d find my Clear Blue ovulation stripes and literally felt ill. We had tried for nine months to conceive Blake.

I’m exhausted and sick to myself just looking back and thinking about it. It’s like working on a project so damn hard to have everything go down in flames in an instant. It is WORK to be a woman when needing to create life. It is ravaging. It is confusing. It is begging, and praying. It is self hate and adoration of our bodies each and every month. I was one to whistle peacefully getting pregnant on one try with Oliver and besides puking my brains out, I blissfully had no idea how hard it can be for other women.

Here I was now.

Focusing on getting myself back to health for a potential new baby as it was becoming my priority like a teapot slowly brewing. 

I focused on:

• Therapy especially Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and navigating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder –  I can’t stress this enough. The brain and body can’t heal without support, therapy, recognition, healing practices.

• Healthy Eating
• Chinese Fertility Medicine and Advice
• Maintaining a Healthy Body
• Connections with stillbirth moms to heal my grief. I eventually felt ready to feel connected to my fellow survivors. I had many reach out from a friend to a friend and it meant the world to me. I would hope one day to be able to do the same to softly bring some comfort.
• My son Oliver
• Spiritual connections with Blake
• Experiences with a Baby Medium. Eventually, I reached out to a baby medium. I had been directed multiple times to this specific baby medium. It gave me something to hold on to when nothing else makes sense.
• Immersed myself in healing through books, meditation, breathing work and Joe Dispenza rewiring of the brain

These things I slowly incorporated while grieving were like balancing me to be a little more comfortable and ready for the unknown of conceiving again.

My Words of Advice

The idea of conceiving again and jumping into trying again are almost like two heavily flowed rivers that eventually along the way connect but in the meantime, are respectively very difficult to navigate. Support, empathy for yourself, validating your feelings, expressing yourself, letting your anger out, feeling understood, inviting grief within…

These are challenges I had to navigate but just like a chess game, you take one step at a time.